


Oleum ex Machina

by AVegetarianCannibal



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Crack, Deus Ex Machina, Hannigram - Freeform, M/M, Office Sex, Second-Hand Embarrassment, but with lube, season one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 16:41:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10540431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AVegetarianCannibal/pseuds/AVegetarianCannibal
Summary: Have you ever wanted to do it in the butt with someone but found yourself with no preparatory supplies?Someone---orsomething---is making sure that never happens to Hannibal and Will.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wraithsonwings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wraithsonwings/gifts), [ThisIsMyDesignHannibal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisIsMyDesignHannibal/gifts).



Flirting now and then with Dr. Lecter had been harmless fun, and Will was entirely confident nothing would come of it right up to the moment they were sprawled across the desk with their mouths all over each other.

“Wait, wait,” Will breathed when he could finally pry his lips off Dr. Lecter’s jawline. “Wait…wait!”

Dr. Lecter pulled away enough for Will to look at him. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m just wondering what we’re doing here, Doctor.”

“I would’ve thought that was obvious,” Dr. Lecter said, eyes sparkling with mischief. “And I think we’re on a first-name basis now, unless it’s a particular kink of yours to call me by my title.”

“That’s not what I meant, Dr. Lec—Hannibal,” Will corrected himself. “Are we doing something unethical here? Is that a particular kink of yours?”

“You’re not really my patient,” Hannibal reminded him. “Can we return to our previous discussion now?”

Will frowned up at him. “What discussion?”

“This,” Hannibal said, and went back to kissing him.

They slid gracelessly off the desk and onto the floor, hands working to rid each other of their clothes. Will hit the back of his head on the caster of Hannibal’s chair and barely slowed down until a thought occurred to him.

“Wait,” he said again. “Wait!”

Hannibal let out a deep sigh and sat up. “The ethics considerations—”

“No, I’m past that,” Will said, as his gaze fell upon the tuft of iron-gray hair peeking out through the ripped collar of Hannibal’s shirt. “Well past it. I just don’t have any, um, _supplies_ with me.”

Hannibal looked blank for a split second, then understood. “Ah. Nor do I, I’m afraid.”

“I really didn’t come here expecting to get lucky,” Will said.

“It isn’t necessary to have penetrative sex,” Hannibal said. The mischievous look returned. “I assure you, you won’t leave here less than _completely_ satisfied.”

With that, Will found himself being divested of his trousers and laid out for the most spectacular blowjob of his life.

* * *

 

True to Dr. Lec— _Hannibal’s_ word, Will found himself grinning with complete satisfaction on his long drive home. His face was starting to hurt from it, even. He looked forward to a good night’s sleep for once.

He was a couple of miles from home when his phone rang.

Eyes on the road, Will reached into his satchel and fished around for his phone, but his fingers closed on something rather unexpected.

Much to his surprise and confusion, he pulled out a long strip of magnum-sized condom packets.

“Have you guys been in my bag this whole time?” Will asked, as if the condoms could understand. Had he put them in there and just forgotten about them? His mind had been more than a little preoccupied lately…

As his phone continued to ring, Will reached back into the bag. This time, he pulled out a small plastic tub that was cool to the touch, as if it had just come from the refrigerator.

He swerved onto the side of the road and slammed on the brakes. He fumbled for the overhead lights and stared at the tub in his hands.

“Okay, I know I _definitely_ didn’t put _you_ in there,” he said to what had turned out to be a container of reduced-fat margarine.

The margarine had nothing to say for itself.

* * *

 

“Hey, Beverly, I have a potentially weird question for you,” Will said as he walked into the lab.

She didn’t look up from the microscope. “Nothing’s too weird for me." 

"Um…When I was in here yesterday, what made you decide to put that _stuff_ in my satchel?”

She frowned, her focus still on whatever slide she’d prepared. “I didn’t put anything in your satchel. What would I have put in your satchel?”

Will rolled his eyes. “You know. The condoms? The tub of margarine?”

Now she straightened to fix him with an incredulous look. “Someone put _condoms and margarine_ in your satchel?”

Will felt his face flush hotly. “It–it wasn’t you?”

Beverly’s expression turned into one of sly humor as she tossed over her shoulder, “Hey, Price! Zeller! You two got some ‘splainin’ to do!”

“Oh, God, no,” Will said, his face turning into a veritable conflagration. “Don’t bring them into this!”

“Bring us into what?” asked Zeller as he and Jimmy Price came swooping into the lab.

Will groaned and let his face drop into his hands.

“Which one of you pervs put margarine and condoms in Will’s bag?” Beverly asked.

Zeller and Price both looked confused, but Jimmy looked horrified in addition.

“You weren’t going to use margarine as _lube_ were you?” Jimmy asked. “That kind of thing is best left to fanfic, my friend.”

“Fanwhat?” asked Will, peeking out from behind his hands. “What’s it got to do with margarine and condoms?”

Jimmy pulled up a chair and adopted a comfortingly avuncular pose as if he were about to launch into Story Time.

“Sometimes in a work of fiction when two men— _usually_ men, _sometimes_ more than two of them—love each other very much—or at least lust after each other—sometimes they want to have anal sex, but there’s no Astroglide around, so they use whatever’s handy.”

“Like margarine?” Zeller guessed perkily.

“Quite so,” Jimmy said, patting his co-worker’s arm. “But do not—I repeat—do _not_ do that for real unless _I Can’t Believe It’s Not Diarrhea!_ sounds like fun to you.”

“Oh dear God,” Will whispered as he felt his colon clench.

“But we still don’t know who put it in his bag,” Beverly said. “Somebody out there is trying to help Will Graham’s sex life, but who?”

Will stumbled out of the lab, mumbling some excuse about being late for class even though it was his day off.

 

* * *

Before heading home, Will stopped by Jack Crawford’s office. Before he walked in, he checked his reflection in his phone to make sure his face wasn’t still on fire from Jimmy Price’s sex-diarrhea lecture.

Jack, on the phone with someone, waved him inside.

“I’m just dropping off these files,” Will whispered as he reached into his satchel.

But instead of case files, he pulled out a folder stuffed full of condom packets.

He tried to stuff everything back into his satchel before Jack could see, but strips of condoms just kept spilling out. There seemed to be no end to them… It was like some kind of magician’s scarf trick, but with rubbers.

“Sorry, sorry,” he whispered, still trying to be considerate of Jack’s phone call.

As he furiously funneled the condoms off the desk, a plastic bottle fell out of his shirt pocket and landed directly in front of Jack.

“Oh God!” Will cried as he saw what it was.

“Let me call you back,” Jack said to whoever was on the other end of his phone call.

“I swear I have _no idea_ how that got there,” Will said.

“Condom safe,” Jack said, reading from the bottle of Gun Oil brand personal lubricant. He made an appreciative  face. “That _is_ important.”

“I’m so sorry!”

Jack handed over the bottle and gave a small chuckle. “It’s none of my business, Graham. My only concern is how upset _you_ seem to be about it. Perhaps you should talk it over with Dr. Lecter.”

Will blinked. “That’s…that’s actually a good idea. Yeah… I’ll see you tomorrow, Jack.”

As he half-ran out to his car, Will sent Hannibal a text.

_I need to see you immediately._

_It’s urgent._

* * *

Half an hour later, Will burst through Hannibal’s door to find his former (current?) therapist sprawled naked and ass-up on the chaise.

“I got your text message,” Hannibal said, gazing dreamily at him over his shoulder. “I’m flattered you felt such urgency—”

“Actually,” Will started to say. _Actually, I need to tell you I may be buying condoms and lube in my sleep without realizing it_. “I…um…”

Hannibal gave an inviting wiggle of his hips and Will suddenly forgot everything he’d been about to say.

At least this time, he had supplies with him. _Lots_ and _lots_ of supplies.

* * *

 

They lay half on the chaise, half on the floor, dazed and gasping for breath in the aftermath of their amorous and somewhat hurried pairing. A tied-off condom lolled on the floor like the world’s smallest water balloon. The chaise was probably irreversibly stained.

Will suddenly remembered why he’d been in such a rush to see Hannibal.

“By the way,” he said between breaths. “I think I’m sleepwalking again.”

“I’m fairly certain you’re awake,” Hannibal said. He rolled onto the floor and part of the way onto Will’s lap.

“Well yes, _now_ I am,” Will agreed. Hannibal was kissing his neck and making it hard to concentrate. “But I seem to have bought myself large quantities of condoms and lube without remembering how or when.”

Hannibal paused in his mouthy ministrations and made a thoughtful expression.

“That would explain a few things,” he mused.

“Like what?” Will asked.

Hannibal took him by the hand and led him to the desk. As Will watched in increasing shock, Hannibal opened drawer after drawer, each of them filled to bursting with every possible kind of condom and personal lubricant. There were also several large cruets of expensive-looking olive oil.

“I first discovered this… _surplus_ …when my patient was here,” Hannibal said. “I went to my desk to find a box of tissues for him, and instead found all of… _this_.”

“Oh no,” Will gasped softly.

“When he opened the tissue box, strips of condoms came bursting out like a novelty can of toy snakes. He nearly fainted.”

“Oh no!” Will gasped not-so-softly.

Hannibal took out three fairly large pump bottles of lube, saying, “These I purchased myself after the night you were here last, but all the rest were a mystery until now.”

Will shook his head, more confused than ever. “How would I have even gotten into your office without you here? Don’t you keep it locked? And how would I have rigged a box of Kleenex to explode like joke snakes?!”

“We’ll figure it out,” Hannibal said, pulling him in for a kiss. “We’ll figure it out… _together_.”

* * *

 

In the waiting room outside Hannibal’s office, several dozen writers had gathered. It was a tight squeeze, so they jockeyed for position, trying to press their ears to the door to hear what was going on inside.

“Which one of you came up with the margarine idea?” one writer whispered.

“That was me,” another whispered back. “It was just a joke, though, I swear!”

“It’s very dark and sophisticated,” someone piped up from the rear of the room.

“Who set up the condom bomb in the tissue?” another asked.

“A couple of us pulled that off together,” a writer answered. “ _Totally_ didn’t mean to scare poor Franklyn.”

“Shh,” I think they’re about to start doin’ it again,“ said someone near the door.

"Who’s the top?” one asked.

“Who’s the bottom??” another asked.

A tall man, impeccably though somewhat humorously dressed and wearing thick glasses and a full beard, stood up in the middle of the crowd.

“They _flip_ ,” he said, and went around the room hugging everyone.

 

-the end-

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so, Bryan Fuller made an appearance at the end! I didn't list him as a character in the tags because that would have spoiled the ending.
> 
> The original prompt I was given asked for a "deus ex machina" situation where lube just kept popping up everywhere. Hence the title of the story. "Oleum" is Latin for "oil."


End file.
